Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
im on a boat
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