I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
