I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
