she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
