got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
