if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
