just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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