Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We have so much sex to catch up on
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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