i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
