Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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