rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
