I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
