You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
