She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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