he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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