2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
