Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm just crazy horny about you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
