Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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