I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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