2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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