So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
