Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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