I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
