I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
