I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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