you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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