matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
