I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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