So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
