K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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