Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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