I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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