I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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