SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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