No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
