she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
