I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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