I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
