She announced her abortion via fbk
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
