there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
