i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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