Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
