Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
