I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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