I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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