Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
