Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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