U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
