cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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