My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
