It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
