i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
