my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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