$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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