I just saw a hot homeless man
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
