Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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