So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
