The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
