I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
