I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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