Sry I called you an 8
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my nose is crying tears of wow.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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