i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
