i barfeds in our rink
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You left your phone here
Wait...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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